My attempt at a dramatic reading of this piece of shit. I say attempt because, as you will soon find, I’m no professional.
It’s not great, but it was the best take I had and I wasn’t letting it go to waste. The difficulty behind this was due to the fact that
- It takes everything I have not to bust out laughing. At least half of my failures are me getting to the line about the white whale and completely losing my shit. I can’t completely keep it up even here, and it results in an obvious stumble toward the end.
- Those fucking run-on sentences. I can’t tell you how often I would dive into the next line, completely underestimate it and blow my pace completely. It’s especially tricky around the middle because when the writer starts on the peach bullshit punctuation suddenly reaches an all-time high. It’s incredibly jarring.
- Nobody talks like this. Nobody. It’s like I’m reciting a chant to motherfucking Shub-Niggurath and my human vocal apparatus keeps getting in the way.
In closing, I hope whoever wrote this shares a snake pit with Amanda McKittrick Ros in hell.
I have no words to describe the awesomeness of this.